Sunday, April 13, 2008

More Jeff Files (sort of)

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I just received this and immediately forwarded it to my brother-in-law, Jeff, to thank him for all the Jeff Files material he's sent me. It may be the ONLY piece of email zipping through the internet that he HASN'T forwarded to me. Yet.

Just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year:

Thanks to you I can't open the bathroom door without a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fat I have consumed over the years.

Yes, I have gotten a real education from your emails.

Humorous PicturesThanks, thanks a lot!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

funny picturesI no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

funny picturesI no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

** ** ** ** **

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late


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see more loldogs ask - i can has hotdog?

4 comments:

jade_kristen said...

LMAO!!!!
Thank you Bev. You made me giggle in the morning that is quite an accomplishment!

Madame Butterfly said...

OMG, you really need to stop these posts! My stomach muscles don't know what hit them with all this laughing.

I got two words for ya, spam filter.

But seriously, if I stay in a motel/hotel, I sterilize everything with clorox wipes. EVERYTHING! Ever single surface that I can touch.

And I take off the bed spread with rubber gloves and shove it under the bed. Otherwise, I'm way too skeeved to even sleep.

Everything else you mentioned, meh, what are you gonna do? LOL

Bev(QB) said...

Dammit, MB! I almost had my brain trained to ignore all my suspicions about hotel rooms and you've just slapped me upside the head with YOUR OCD!! EEWWWW!! LOL!

And, really, it's worth putting up with Jeff's endless stupid, stupid, chain mail/emails just to be able to salvage a few gems. But this one came from someone else I know who usually only emails me when it's a chain letter. I think this was the first one she sent that wasn't.

And, btw, for the record...

I DO.NOT.EVER.FORWARD.CHAIN.LETTERS. Period.

Glad you guys got as a much a kick outta these as I did.

Madame Butterfly said...

Um...QB, how to reach you through email? I can't find a link.