Sunday, August 24, 2008

Weekend Wanks

More from the Jeff Files:

funny dog picturesIt's been awhile since I've posted one of my brother-in-law, Jeff's, endlessly forwarded emails. I don't know if these are true or not, but they sure are funny (and unfortunately DO seem plausible, don't they?)

Ticket Agent Tidbits

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make HER look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape COD is in Massachusetts, Cape TOWN is in Africa ' Her response? click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada ?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!' After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii ?'

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'

10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. (You know where this is going, don't you?) When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' The reply? 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'

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This is just all kinds of wrong...

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dogAlthough I occasionally hear of women who've named their girly bits, it's usually men who feel compelled to give their dangling parts a name... I assume because they don't want their lives run by a stranger.

If I had one of those demanding beasties, this would be its name:

Your Penis Name Is...

Russell The One-Eyed Wonder Muscle

And if my hubby ever decides to rename his:

Your Penis Name Is...

Captain Kirk

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And last, but certainly not least, this comes courtesy of Sarah...

Skippy is evidently a very mischievous G.I. and I know I would ADORE him. Click here for the full somebody-needs-a-spanking, giggle-worthy list, but I want to list just a few of my favorites:

Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy [Schwarz] is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army

2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.

36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.

56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

76. “Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is *not* a cadence

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.


JenB said...

My penis name is Ivan the Terrible, and hubby's is Light Saber. :)

I *love* that Skippy list. I had to quit reading it at work this afternoon because I was starting to giggle out loud.

Sadly, most of those airline things do sound plausible. If the stories aren't exactly true, I'm sure they're at least close to things that have really happened.

You should hear the bizarre things people ask me about insurance.

Sarah said...

God, I laughed my ass off. It was brilliant!

Madame Butterfly said...

My penis name is--100% All Beef Thermometer. And DH- Dirk Diggler. WTH? LOL

You know what's really funny? If I type in DH's Japanese middle name it comes up Russel the One-Eyed wonder Muscle. When did you get a Japanese name QB? LOL

Some of those DC travel things sound so off the wall stupid, I just can't believe them. I mean seriously, really? The Pepsi-Cola one, yeah. And some others Ok.

On the other hand, when Jay Leno goes out and asks every day people questions that I think any idiot should know and so many are completely clueless, I'm afraid this nation IS in trouble. Ack!

Bev(QB) said...

You know, I think I feel sorry for Skippy's C.O.s. He's got to drive them bugfucking nuts!

BTW, if you don't like your penis name, just do it again because you get a different answer every time.

Anf yeah, after seeing the jaw-dropping stupidity rampant in the Jay-Walking segments, you sadly realize that the Ticket Agent anecdotes are quite possibly all too real.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Skippy's list is... special. To be fair, not *all* of them were Skippy himself, some of them were things his friends were ordered not to do. Sometimes before they even thought of doing them. :-)